


Journey

by bjfic_archivist



Category: Queer as Folk (US)
Genre: Canon, Songfic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2003-07-30
Updated: 2003-07-30
Packaged: 2018-12-27 12:01:03
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,005
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12080649
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bjfic_archivist/pseuds/bjfic_archivist
Summary: A collection of songfics that tell the story.





	Journey

**Author's Note:**

> Note from IrishCaelan, the archivist: this story was originally archived at [The Brian/Justin Fanfiction Archive](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Brian_Justin_Fanfiction_Archive). To preserve the archive, I began importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in September 2017. I posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address on [The Brian/Justin Fanfiction Archive collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/bjfic/profile).

January 2004

 

Goddammitmotherfuckingshit!!!

Wearily, I turn my head to look at the digital clock on my night table and realize that once again I am awakened in the middle on the night. Going by rote, I reached for the sweats that I'd abandoned on the floor hours ago and pulled them on, shivering at the coldness as they touched my skin. 

Stretching, I get up, grab my Discman then walk to what the English like to call a 'sitting room', which is really no bigger than a closet. Dropping into the worn leather recliner next to the window, I just sit and stare at the lamppost shrouded in fog across the street, being reminded of another lamppost, in another place, another time. Putting the headphones on, I hit play and a smile comes to my face as I recognize the song from one of the many burned CDs that Daphne has sent me. Listening to the first few bars, I can't help think that she put this one on here for me specifically. I wouldn't put it past her to do something like that, because I would have done it for her.

Leaning against the backrest, I look again to the lamppost, press the 'repeat' button, and let the memories take over. 

~~~~~~~~~~~  
Last night I cried, tossed and turned   
Woke up with dry eyes   
My mind was wasting, feet were pacing   
Lord, help me please, tell me what I have gotten into 

Ran my 3 miles to clear my mind   
It always helps me out   
It's my therapy when I'm losin' it   
Which is usually, hey 

I'm on an emotional rollercoaster   
Lovin' you ain't nothin' healthy   
Lovin' you was never good for me (For me)   
But I can't get off 

This emotional rollercoaster   
Lovin' you ain't nothin' healthy   
Lovin' you was never good for me (For me, oh)   
But I can't get off   
~~~~~~~~~

Yeah, that was a long hard ride. And like the songs says, there was nothing healthy in it, but that didn't stop me wanting to go stay and enjoy the ride for as long as I could. I held on for all it was worth. There was no way I wanted to miss a minute of the Kinney Express.

At times, it seemed that everyone had a ticket for this particular ride. In all my life, I have never known someone as charismatic as Brian. 

Of course, his looks have also something to do with the initial attraction, but there is something intangible that just makes people become his loyal subject or fiercest enemy.

Love or hate him, and the kicker is that he could give a fuck either way.

Or at least he wants you to think that, because Brian Kinney lives by this credo: no excuses, no apologies, no regrets.

What he forgot to add to the list are no expectations from anyone but himself. Less disappointment and if things fuck up, you can only blame yourself.

All this can be found in the Kinney Safety Guide.

All new members of his fan club are urged to get one. Something I found out rather quickly.

Too bad I lost my handbook along the way.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~  
Yesterday I told myself   
I was gonna be okay   
Gonna start a new day, truly happy   
I was gonna take control of me 

But eventually reality hit me   
Mentally, physically, emotionally   
And I opened my eyes and realized   
That I was still bein' taken for a constant ride on   
your 

I'm on an emotional rollercoaster (Ooh, baby)   
Lovin' you ain't nothin' healthy (For real, it's never   
happened for me)   
Lovin' you was never good for me (Oh, but I can't get)   
But I can't get off (Ooh...ooh...baby...) 

Emotional rollercoaster (You got me goin' up and down)   
Lovin' you ain't nothin' healthy (Oh)   
Lovin' you was never good for me (Never good for me,   
ah)   
But I can't get off   
~~~~~~~~~~

 

That is what I told myself when I started that madness of a relationship with Ethan. That I was tired of Brian's shit, conveniently forgetting about my own fuckups. That I was tired of being his round-two draft pick, instead of that coveted spot of number one pick.

That I was done with living my life according to Brian Kinney.

What a bunch of bullshit that was.

I can remember waking up the day after the party and turning over, only to be faced with the cold reality of my hasty decision.

Turning back around, I finally let the tears fall, silently, so as to not wake the sleeping man next to me. I don't think that he would appreciate me mourning the loss of my ex-lover. 

And that is what Brian was to me. No matter what he or anyone says otherwise.

Prideful Prick. Then again, we're both prideful pricks or we wouldn't have gone through this shit in the first place. 

But that doesn't change the fact that I still love the fucker. When Ethan and I parted ways, I never felt so numb. Even when he left to go on a student tour across the country, I felt absolutely nothing. And that is why when I got back to the rathole of apartment we shared, I just sat and stared at the four walls that had become my own personal prison. 

Sucks to be me, right?

Then to add to my angst, the next day I received a letter from PIFA's financial aid department, confirming receipt of my tuition payment for the next semester.

Uh uh! There was no way I was going to depend on Brian for anything anymore. I gave all that up when I walked away that night.

After ripping that piece of news to shreds, I got online and began looking at art programs that were offering full scholarships with the added bonus of being a considerable distance away from Pittsburgh...and Brian. About three hours into the search, I was about to give up, when my eye caught what could be my escape ticket outta the Pitts.

Right then and there I applied and waited for almost two weeks for a reply. 

My hopes weren't in vain. When I checked the mailbox and found a thick envelope containing an acceptance letter and other orientation materials for the Gainsborough Scholars Program from the London College of Arts and Textiles. At least one part of my life was going right.

Going to the tuition office and arranging for them to refund the money to Brian the day before my scheduled departure wasn't as much a hardship as I thought it would be.

Plus it also saved me from having the inevitable confrontation with Brian when he finds out what I've done. Persuading my mom that this was the best thing for me was another. Don't get me wrong, she was happy that I had been accepted into the program, but she felt that I didn't have to go all the way to London to continue my education. Feeling like the adult that I was trying to become, I pointed out all the reasons in an orderly, sensible fashion. Still, it took some time to win her over, but she signed all the documents that I needed and gave me her blessings with the wish for me to be happy.

Then came the dreaded goodbyes to my Liberty Avenue family. I know that they were pissed that I didn't tell them in person about this new venture, but after some lengthy emails and one phone call from Deb, I got the point across that I didn't want them to 'make things right' and run and to tell Brian. Truthfully, I assumed that the breakup between Brian and me would have caused havoc on the tight group. 

Color me surprised when Deb showed up on Ethan's doorstep and gave me the hug that I'd wanted ever since walking out of Babylon.

Then she scolded me for handling things the way I did and turned right around and cursed Brian out for acting like a shithead, which is something only she can do.

Soon after, Emmett, Ted, Vic, and Mel approached me separately, saying that I made the right the decision for myself, even if they didn't believe that I was content with it.

Next came Lindsay, who after a little awkwardness, welcomed me back in the best way: asking me to baby-sit for Gus again.

As for Michael, well I already knew that there wouldn't be any forgiveness nor any future Rage aspirations, so I just remained content with the people that were willing to not treat me like a leper.

Three weeks later, with only two suitcases, art supplies, and a heavy heart, I was on a plane bound for Heathrow and a new beginning.

~~~~~~~~  
So tired of you makin' love to me   
Then disappearing so suddenly   
Up and down it goes   
And I'm so tired of you pacifyin' me   
With promises you know that you'll never keep   
Round and round it goes, I am on a 

I'm on an emotional rollercoaster (Oh)   
Lovin' you ain't nothin' healthy (Ooh, ain't nothin'   
healthy 'bout it, baby)   
Lovin' you was never good for me (Nothin' healthy   
'bout it, baby)   
But I can't get off (Oh, oh)   
~~~~~~~~

 

Thinking back, that had to be one of the most irritating things about the man. There were times when he could be so gentle and loving, giving me glimpses into the Brian Kinney that was hidden underneath his 'fuck the world' attitude. Then as soon as I would begin to dig deeper, he would shut down and reappear with mask back in place and push me away by doing something that he knew would fuck with my heart.

The time I moved in with him after the bashing, it got so bad that it became more or less the norm for us. Cycle went as follows: I push for more. He decides that I'm getting too close. He would fuck with me. I would react. He would apologize in traditional Kinneyese fashion. We would have fantastic make-up sex.

Pretty fucked, huh? I know that is what just about everyone outside the relationship thought. But not me.

Well, not at first. I guess that I was just so excited to get a chance to ride, that I didn't look at all the pre-boarding precautions too carefully.

Then again, I probably would have ignored them anyway.

Hearing loud knocking on the door, I pull off the headphones and realize that the sky has begun to show signs of sunrise. Shaking my head at yet another wasted night, I yawn and stretch, working out the kinks from sitting for so long. Giving a momentary thought of putting on some socks, I walked across the hardwood floor and hope whomever is behind the door brought something for breakfast. 

Hearing a gurgling sound, I know that my stomach agrees with me.

Opening the door, my hunger is stripped away by the sight of a rough-and-tumble Brian Kinney. Well, at least for him. A layer of stubble coating his hard-defined features, designer casual clothes flattering the natural lines of his beautiful body, smoky hazel eyes, and of course, silky auburn hair arranged to appear as if he just finished fucking...or getting fucked.  
Skipping pleasantries, I got right to the heart of the matter. "Why the hell are you here?"

Giving me a casual head-to-toe appraisal, he grins, "Hey Sonnyboy. Can I come in? It's fucking freezing outside."

Knowing that I could say no, but my heart won't give me any choice in the matter, I open the door a little wider for him to move through, wondering if I am prepared for whatever is going to happen next.

~~~~~~~  
Emotional rollercoaster   
Lovin' you ain't nothin' healthy   
Lovin' you was never good for me   
But I can't get off this   
~~~~~~~

 

And with him standing here, I have to accept the fact that I will never want to get off the wild intense ride that is Brian Kinney.

 

 

(Song Credit goes to Vivian Green)


End file.
